Struggling, But Still Thankful

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas and I have for several years now. I used to love Christmas like everyone else when I was a kid - presents under the tree, our homemade ornaments that we made in Girl Scouts on the tree, Dad hanging the lights on the outside of the house, Grandma coming over, Christmas Day at my aunt/uncle's house, Mom's awesome Christmas cookies, etc. etc. etc.

Then came some major deaths in the family (Dad & Grandma) and my divorce. Dad's death and my ex walking out happened right around Christmas and unfortunately, that makes for kind of a blue time at the holidays.

However, there are still aspects of the holidays that I very much enjoy, so I choose to embrace what I love and try to avoid the parts that hurt.

One of the things that I still enjoy and actually LOVE is decorating my house for Christmas! Here's a shot of my decorations and the first fire of the season at my house:

And here is my Christmas tree that I absolutely love. I put my decorations up during the first weekend in November - crazy! But I figure that there are enough parts of the holiday season that make me sad that I need to FULLY embrace the parts that bring me joy.

I do have faith that someday Christmas could be a very joyful time again......but I'm kind of in a holding pattern of sorts.....The traditions of my childhood are gone, and I don't have a family of my own to spend it with, so I sit in the middle wondering what happened to everything I loved? I get very lonely, and opposite of logic, I tend to isolate even more as I get sad. It always happens right around the 10-15th of December - just about 2 weeks out from Christmas. I don't know how to stop it, and I try to stay busy, participate in the things I DO enjoy and concentrate on what I have to be thankful for.

So far this year, I have put up all my decorations and went to a sing-a-long of Handel's Messiah with Laura. Before Christmas comes, I have plans to bake cookies with Cindy, go to the ICE event at the Gaylord Texan, be a greeter at church for one of the Christmas Eve services and spend Christmas Day with Laura & Cindy. That is quite a bit for someone who wants to crawl under a rock until the holidays are over and life is back to normal.

I'm trying to have a good attitude as much as possible and look at how much I have to be thankful for, but I still fall into a trap of loneliness this time of year and I really miss the traditions of my past........Ugh.